Excerpts from Big Reactors
When Trying to Always Makes Your Child Happy Makes Them (And You!) Unhappy
Elizabeth is a single mom by choice. She had yearned for a child for a very long time and had to go through many procedures to have Mireille (5), the HSCs featured in the introduction to this chapter. Elizabeth had spent a lot of time fantasizing about the close bond they would have—being on their own, together—and how happy she would make her child. But now Elizabeth finds herself totally exhausted. She feels suffocated by Mireille whose needs seem to be endless. “If I try to gather a moment of space to regulate myself, which sometimes I need to do to avoid becoming punitive or yelling, it intensifies her distress. She will follow me and come into my physical space. I can feel how desperate she is for my comfort, which I’m absolutely willing to give her, just once I’ve calmed myself down.” Mireille also ruminates. When Elizabeth says they can’t go to the playground because it’s raining, Mireille will whine and mope, talk incessantly about how much she’s missing the swings…for hours. She will get a tiny scratch and nurse and complain about it for the entire day.
Mireille protests every limit Elizabeth tries to set, such as no screens during mealtimes and not snacking all day. Elizabeth finds herself often caving on these limits even though she knows this isn’t good for Mireille. They’re late to school every day which is becoming a problem. The teacher reports that Mireille is calmer and more engaged when she arrives on time. Joining the class late is dysregulating. She’s out-of-sorts on those days.
Mireille’s meltdowns are so epic that Elizabeth worries she’s too fragile to tolerate not getting what she wants. She’s afraid that Mireille’s anger in these moments will taint the strong, connected relationship she’s trying to build with Mireille—her number one priority. Further, Elizabeth can’t tolerate seeing Mireille in distress as she (mistakenly) equates it with being unhappy. She focuses all her energy on rescuing Mireille from any discomfort. She hopes that constantly filling Mireille’s cup will make her feel safe, secure and loved, and make her a happy and content child.
By the time Elizabeth comes to see me, she’s beginning to see that this approach isn’t making Mireille more content. In fact, she’s becoming more demanding and the stress in their relationship is growing—the exact opposite of the connection she’s trying to forge with Mireille. That’s how she knew it was time to seek help. Through our work, Elizabeth gained the following insights:
Mireille is actually a very competent child who is quite resilient. At school and with other adults, she is able to manage disappointment and frustration and regulate her big emotions.
This demand for constant connection may be what Mireille wants, but this kind of unhealthy attachment is not what she needs. It’s also not healthy for Elizabeth to feel suffocated by Mireille—to have no personal space, to feel like Mireille is trying to control her, and that she’s feeling AT Elizabeth. This is not enabling her to be the mom she wants to be for Mireille.
Mireille may want to be in charge, but that’s also something that’s not good for her or what she needs. This dynamic has resulted in unhealthy outcomes for Mireille, like getting to school late, too much screen time and too many sweets. She and Mireille are also locked in protracted power struggles which is causing Elizabeth great despair and worry.
The lack of limits is what is causing so much stress in the family and is the biggest obstacle to solidifying the close, trusting relationship Elizabeth so badly wants with Mireille.
With this change in mindset, Elizabeth makes the following changes:
Creating personal boundaries: Elizabeth validates and offers comfort when Mireille is distressed. If this doesn’t help and Mireille escalates into raging at her or getting physical, Elizabeth helps both of them take safe space breaks. When Mireille continues to complain about a minor booboo or incident, she doesn’t try to convince her that it's not a big deal as that usually results in Mireille upping the ante to show just how serious it is. Instead, she acknowledges that Mireille experiences things deeply and that it feels uncomfortable when something unexpected happens to her body. Then she offers to be detectives together to figure out what kind of care she needs. Is it something she can take care of herself, like massaging where she banged her leg to make the owie go away? Something she needs help with, like getting a Bandaid? Or, something that requires a doctor's help? She helps Mireille make a kit with all the things she can use to make it feel better: a few Bandaids, a compress, some cream. In taking this approach, Elizabeth is empowering Mireille to take care of herself (when there is really nothing wrong). If it requires mom’s or someone else’s help, of course, Elizabeth provides it.
Screens at mealtimes: Elizabeth follows through on locking the tablet up during mealtimes and tolerating Mireille’s upset. When Mireille threatens not to eat if she doesn’t get the screen, Elizabeth responds that mommy’s job is to offer lots of growing foods; it’s Mireille’s job to decide how much her belly needs and what she eats. That is something only Mireille can decide and control. She also starts a ritual of telling Mireille a story about her childhood at each meal, which Mireille loves. Not getting into a power struggle and offering positive ways to connect results in fewer meltdowns about screens at mealtimes and Mireille eating a full, healthy meal. (See the Appendix for a resource on solving mealtime struggles.)
Setting limits on sweets: Elizabeth tells Mireille that it’s a mommy job to make sure their kids’ bodies grow healthy and strong. That means she can’t let Mireille eat sweet treats whenever she wants. The new plan is that Mireille will be able to choose a snack twice a day—after lunch and after dinner. Elizabeth knows how hard it is to resist them so she will be a helper by putting a lock on the cabinet. She understands that Mireille may not like this rule and she doesn’t expect her to. Why would she be happy to not be able to go into the cabinet and get treats whenever she wants? Naturally, Mireille protests and kicks and pulls at the cabinet door. Since this is not actually harming Mireille or the door, Elizabeth doesn’t correct her as that is sure to lead to further dysregulation. Being calm and consistent with this new plan results in a major reduction in battles over sweets.
Morning routine: Together, Elizabeth and Mireille create a visual schedule, pick out clothes the night before, and design their menu for breakfast. In the mornings, if Mireille is having a hard time getting through the tasks, despite all this great preparation the night before, Elizabeth now knows how to move her along without engaging in power struggles. If Mireille doesn’t cooperate with dressing, despite lots of “gamifying,” Elizabeth gets comfortable taking her to school in her pajamas, using the same approach described with Sloane: “We are leaving for school in five minutes—shown on a visual timer. That is the ‘have-to.’ You have two great choices: you can cooperate with getting dressed and go to school in the clothes you have chosen; or, you are choosing to go in your pajamas. That’s totally up to you.” Implementing this plan just one time ends dressing battles in the mornings. In fact, on day one, Mireille asks to change as soon as they start to leave the driveway.
All told, by getting comfortable with establishing healthy space between them and being a loving limit setter, Elizabeth has dramatically changed their relationship. There are far fewer battles and negotiations that are exhausting to both Elizabeth and Mireille. Mireille has also become significantly less demanding. Elizabeth is feeling much more loving towards Mireille and better about herself as Elizabeth sees that she is raising an amazing, strong, resilient child. Elizabeth also has a lot more energy to play and connect with Mireille. They now have the relationship she had always dreamed. Getting there just looked a lot different than she had imagined and that she ever thought she had the wherewithal to make happen.
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Mindshift: I Need to Manage My Expectations of My Child
Your child is going to have more frequent and intense meltdowns than those less sensitive and intense kids who make their parents look soooo good! It’s not your fault. It's the "expectation gap" that causes so much frustration and despair. You expect your child to be able to manage a transition, a disappointment, something unexpected—no matter how much amazing preparation you have done to avoid the meltdown—and they still fall apart.
Here’s a powerful and profound example of how managing expectations can lead to more sensitive and effective parenting, shared by a mom of a seven-year-old whose nervous system gets overwhelmed easily. He descends into dysregulation VERY quickly and fiercely when he is not completely in control of any situation. He is demand-avoidant and can be explosive and destructive.
“I was trying so hard to stick to the screen limit of 60 minutes a day for Spencer (7). Then, one day I decided to trust what I know about him: he is so sensitive and intense that by the time he gets home after a long day at school, he needs to just completely zone out and decompress. The screen provides that. So, I started letting him watch (only appropriate content) up to two hours before dinner. And guess what? He is a total delight for the rest of the night—so much more regulated. We have lots of warm conversation and connection. Before, it was just one explosion and battle after another—with maybe 10 total minutes of peace. That’s when I realized that this was good parenting, not ‘permissive’ parenting, and that it wasn’t ruining my child to let him have more screen time than ‘experts’ recommend. They don’t know my child and family or what we need. We have so much less stress and so much more bonding. That’s a net positive.”
This mom shared her epiphany about screen time after announcing that she had made a major mindshift. Previously, she had been thinking, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just come home from school, happily hang up your backpack, wash your hands, have a snack, regale me with all the fun you had at school today, and then just play, instead of...falling apart the second you walk in the door, dropping all your stuff on the floor, yelling at me for having the wrong kind of graham crackers, and then being in a rage the rest of the day??” Then she made this shift: “It's amazing that you can go to school all day, follow a million rules, make transition after transition, sit and listen for long periods, and share and take turns with so many other kids. I am in total awe of you.” Recalibrating her expectations led to her taking a step back and reassessing some of her parenting decisions, like this one on screen time.
That’s why it’s not helpful to compare your child to other kids who are more regulated and adaptable. This is a destructive rabbit hole that I hope you will not go down for your own mental health...and your child's!
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When Your Child Lashes Out When They Feel Ashamed
Tommy explains: “Zoe (7) and some friends were making beaded bracelets in our backyard. Zoe’s bracelet fell to the ground and came apart. One of her friends immediately started to help to retrieve the beads. Zoe started shouting at her and told her she should go home. I was totally mortified. I told Zoe she couldn’t treat her friend that way and insisted she apologize. She refused, so I told the friend I was sorry for Zoe’s behavior. Zoe then ran into the house and slammed the door. When her mom and I tried to talk to her about the incident later that day, she covered her ears and told us to go away. How are we supposed to help her with this very disturbing, unkind behavior?”
This is a reaction I see frequently with my HSCs that I believe is triggered by those two key factors you have seen at play for many of the kids featured in this book: 1) they have a very strong need to feel in control—they hate the unexpected, when things don't happen the way they want; and, 2) they are self-conscious and quick to feel ashamed. They experience any "mistake" or even an accident as a blight on their character or ability. Zoe's reaction to her friend's assistance likely increased her shame; needing help is processed as weakness.
What about Zoe’s refusal to discuss the incident or to apologize? It’s not for lack of empathy; Zoe is a very empathetic and compassionate child. We believe her resistance to saying “sorry” is because it means acknowledging that she acted hurtfully. She feels a lot of shame about this which is compounded by her dad’s anger at her behavior. When Tommy apologizes for her, it's just more pile-on to her shame. (Imagine you are in a restaurant and get snippy with the waiter. The person you're with says to the waiter, "I apologize for my partner's behavior.") Zoe's only coping mechanism at this point is to extricate herself from this overwhelming situation.
Making the following course corrections helps:
· Her parents, Tommy and Megan, acknowledge that it feels uncomfortable when something goes wrong; when Zoe makes a mistake or perceives she has failed in some way. When someone tries to help, it can make it feel worse.
· They stop apologizing for Zoe. And they don’t try to force her to say “sorry” for two important reasons: 1) it falls into the category of things they can’t make her do, so it just leads to a protracted power struggle when she resists saying a mea culpa; and 2) it would be devoid of meaning. Instead, Tommy and Megan acknowledge that saying “sorry” feels hard because it means accepting that she has done something hurtful. Lots of people have a difficult time saying “sorry.” She’s a really good kid who had a difficult moment and acted out—that happens. We all say and do things we don’t mean when we are in an upset state. They explain that there are lots of different ways to apologize, other than looking someone in the eye and saying "sorry." She can use American Sign Language for “I’m sorry” by making a fist and rubbing/circling it over her heart. (A mom shared this idea that she was using very effectively with her daughter—and husband!—after she saw Carmy use it on an episode of The Bear.) She can write/dictate a note, draw a picture, offer a hug, send a voice memo (with their help.) When Zoe still can't/won't apologize or take responsibility in any form, they share: "I feel much better when I apologize. It's a relief. But you are your own person and need to decide. Let me know if you change your mind and how I can help." Not forcing it (which is just fodder for a fight) and giving kids space makes it more likely they will ultimately decide to apologize.
Tommy and Megan are finding that taking this new approach has resulted in Zoe lashing out less frequently and intensely in similar situations. She is also getting better at saying “sorry” using one of the strategies they suggested.